Lesson-9

The Accidental Tourist

By Bill Bryson

The Accidental Tourist Introduction

This is a humorous storey in which the author recounts incidents in which he acts clumsily. He tries to be sophisticated, but is unable to do so, and ends up spilling drinks, smearing ink on his face, and making a mess on the dining table.

The Accidental Tourist Summary

In "The Accidental Tourist," the author recounts incidents in which he behaves strangely. On several flights, he spills drinks on fellow passengers. It's as if his arms move towards the tray on their own and knock – off the glass without his assistance. He would be unable to obtain the air miles because he would either be unable to present his card or the clerk would refuse to award him the points. He once threw all of his belongings on the floor while opening his bag to get the card. Things flew everywhere, and there was total chaos.

Ink from his pen also smeared his mouth, teeth, gums, and chin on another trip. His face turned blue and stayed that way for a few days. When he bent forward to tie his shoelace, the front seat reclined and his head became stuck there. Whenever he ate a meal, the dining table was a complete mess, as if an earthquake had struck. His family had grown accustomed to it, and whenever they received their meal, they would become attentive in order to avoid becoming victims of the spillovers.

He would not eat, drink, or bend forward while travelling alone. To avoid mishaps, he would even keep his hands under him. He never got the airmiles and would not travel to Bali for free, which was a good thing in a way. On such a long flight, he couldn't go without food.

The Accidental Tourist Lesson Explanation

OF all the things I am not very good at, living in the real world is perhaps the most outstanding. I am constantly filled with wonder at the number of things that other people do without any evident difficulty that are pretty much beyond me. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have gone looking for the lavatory in a cinema, for instance, and ended up standing in an alley on the wrong side of a self locking door. My particular specialty now is returning to hotel desks two or three times a day and asking what my room number is. I am, in short, easily confused.

• Lavatory: a room or building containing a toilet
• Alley: a narrow passageway between or behind buildings

The author says that he is not good at juggling multiple tasks at once. He is astounded by people who can multitask without difficulty. He frequently becomes perplexed when looking for the restroom in a cinema and ends up in a lane from which he cannot enter the hall. When he checks into a hotel, he forgets his room number and has to return to reception several times to confirm it.

I was thinking about this the last time we went en famille on a big trip. It was at Easter, and we were flying to England for a week. When we arrived at Logan Airport in Boston and were checking in, I suddenly remembered that I had recently joined British Airways’ frequent flyer programme. I also remembered that I had put the card in the carry-on bag that was hanging around my neck. And here’s where the trouble started.

• en famille: French, meaning with one’s family
• Easter: a festival in Christianity religion

When he was a child, his family took an Easter trip to England, and they arrived at Logan Airport in Boston. He had recently joined British Airways' Frequent Flyer programme and needed to have his card punched in order to receive the points. The card was inside the bag he wore around his neck. Something happened as he take out the card.

The zip on the bag was jammed. So I pulled on it and yanked at it, with grunts and frowns and increasing consternation. I kept this up for some minutes but it wouldn’t budge, so I pulled harder and harder, with more grunts. Well, you can guess what happened. Abruptly the zip gave way. The side of the bag flew open and everything within — newspaper cuttings and other loose papers, a 14- ounce tin of pipe tobacco, magazines, passport, English money, film — was extravagantly ejected over an area about the size of a tennis court.

• Yanked: pulled with a jerk
• Consternation: anxiety, distress
• Budge: move
• Gave way: opened suddenly
• Extravagantly: elaborately
• Ejected: removed

He quickly pulled on the bag's zipper, but it wouldn't move an inch, no matter how hard he pulled. The bag suddenly opened with a jerk, and because he had used a lot of force, all the documents flew out and were strewn across the floor. They were thrown across a large area the size of a tennis court.

I watched dumbstruck as a hundred carefully sorted documents came raining down in a fluttery cascade, coins bounced to a variety of noisy oblivions and the now-lidless tin of tobacco rolled crazily across the concourse disgorging its contents as it went.

• Dumbstruck: shocked
• Fluttery: resembling flapping of wings by birds
• Cascade: like the step by step waterfall
• Oblivions: being forgotten
• Concourse: the open central area in a large public building (here, in the airport)
• Disgorging: discharging

He was shocked when all of his important documents flew out of the bag. The coins rolled around on the ground. The lid of the tobacco box came off, and the box rolled on the floor, spilling tobacco.

“My tobacco!” I cried in horror, thinking what I would have to pay for that much tobacco in England now that another Budget had come and gone, and then changed the cry to “My finger! My finger!” as I discovered that I had gashed my finger on the zip and was shedding blood in a lavish manner. (I am not very good around flowing blood generally, but when it’s my own— well, I think hysterics are fully justified.) Confused and unable to help, my hair went into panic mode.

• Gashed: cut
• Lavish: in large quantity

He screamed that his tobacco was being ruined because it was an expensive item. The next thing he knew, he had a cut on his finger that was bleeding. His screams became "my finger." He became disoriented and panicked once more.

It was at this point that my wife looked at me with an expression of wonder — not anger or exasperation, but just simple wonder — and said, “I can’t believe you do this for a living.”

• Exasperation: irritation

His wife was perplexed by his strange behaviour. She described his strange behaviour as unbelievable.

But I’m afraid it’s so. I always have catastrophes when I travel. Once on an aeroplane, I leaned over to tie a shoelace just at the moment someone in the seat ahead of me threw his seat back into full recline, and found myself pinned helplessly in the crash position. It was only by clawing the leg of the man sitting next to me that I managed to get myself freed.

• Catastrophes: tragedy, disaster
• Clawing: grasping

While travelling, the author is prone to mess ups. On a flight, he leaned forward to tie his shoelace when the person in the seat ahead of him reclined completely, causing the author's head to hit the back of his seat. To get out of the situation, he had to grab the leg of the passenger sitting next to him.

On another occasion, I knocked a soft drink onto the lap of a sweet little lady sitting beside me. The flight attendant came and cleaned her up, and brought me a replacement drink, and instantly I knocked it onto the woman again. To this day, I don’t know how I did it. I just remember reaching out for the new drink and watching helplessly as my arm, like some cheap prop in one of those 1950s horror movies with a name like The Undead Limb, violently swept the drink from its perch and onto her lap.

• Prop: a portable object used on the set of a play or a movie
• Perch: place

On another flight, he threw a drink at the woman sitting next to him. The flight attendant assisted her in cleaning up and getting him another drink. He also threw the second glass at her. He couldn't figure out what had happened. He remembered watching helplessly as his arm acted like a prop from an old horror film. His arm reached for the glass and swept it away without him instructing it to do so, just as they moved inevitably.

The lady looked at me with the stupefied expression you would expect to receive from someone whom you have repeatedly drenched, and uttered an oath that started with “Oh”, finished with “sake” and in between had some words that I have never heard uttered in public before, certainly not by a nun.

• Stupefied: astonished, shocked

The other passenger was shocked by his actions. He was cursed by her.

This, however, was not my worst experience on a plane flight. My worst experience was when I was writing important thoughts in a notebook (‘buy socks’, ‘clutch drinks carefully’, etc.), sucking thoughtfully on the end of my pen as you do, and fell into conversation with an attractive young lady in the next seat. I amused her for perhaps 20 minutes with a scattering of urbane bons mots, then retired to the lavatory where I discovered that the pen had leaked and that my mouth, chin, tongue, teeth and gums were now a striking, scrub-resistant navy blue, and would remain so for several days.

• Urbane: sophisticated
• bons mots: witty remarks

He'd worse things happen to him than this. On a flight, he was making a 'to – do list' and sucking the end of his pen while thinking and talking to a woman seated beside him; when he went to the toilet after twenty minutes, he discovered that the ink had leaked from his pen and his mouth, teeth, gums, and chin were blue in colour. They'd be stained for a couple of days.

So you will understand, I trust, when I tell you how much I ache to be suave. I would love, just once in my life, to rise from a dinner table without looking as if I have just experienced an extremely localised seismic event, get in a car and close the door without leaving 14 inches of coat outside, wear light-coloured trousers without discovering at the end of the day that I have at various times sat on chewing gum, ice cream, cough syrup and motor oil. But it is not to be.

• Suave: polite, sophisticated
• seismic event: an earthquake

He wishes to appear sophisticated. He wants to leave the dining table neat and clean, rather than making it appear untidy as he usually does. He desires that when he sits in the car, the sleeve of his coat not become entangled in the door. He should not stain his light-colored pants with gum, ice cream, cough syrup, or motor oil. But he isn't capable of acting like that.

Now on planes when the food is delivered, my wife says: “Take the lids off the food for Daddy” or “Put your hoods up, children. Daddy’s about to cut his meat”. Of course, this is only when I am flying with my family. When I am on my own, I don’t eat, drink or lean over to tie my shoelaces, and never put a pen anywhere near my mouth. I just sit very, very quietly, sometimes on my hands to keep them from flying out unexpectedly and causing liquid mischief. It’s not much fun, but it does at least cut down on the laundry bills.

When they are served meals on a plane, his wife instructs the children to cover their heads with the hood to protect themselves from the mess that he will make while eating. He does not eat, drink, or bend to tie his shoelaces when he travels alone. He doesn't even get the pen close to his mouth. He sits quietly and keeps his hands under him to keep them from moving around. He does not enjoy sitting like that, but it helps him by laundry expenditure.

I never did get my frequent flyer miles, by the way. I never do. I couldn’t find the card in time. This has become a real frustration for me. Everyone I know — everyone— is forever flying off to Bali first class with their air miles. I never get to collect anything. I must fly 100,000 miles a year, yet I have accumulated only about 212 air miles divided between twenty-three airlines.

He never gets his frequent flyer miles because he can't find his card. All of his friends use these points to fly to Bali, but despite flying on 23 different airlines, he has only accumulated 212 air miles.

This is because either I forget to ask for the air miles when I check in, or I remember to ask for them but the airline then manages not to record them, or the check-in clerk informs me that I am not entitled to them. In January, on a flight to Australia — a flight for which I was going to get about a zillion air miles — the clerk shook her head when I presented my card and told me I was not entitled to any.

Either he forgets to request the air miles at check-in, the manager fails to record them, or he is told that he is not eligible for any points. He went to Australia in January and could have gotten a lot of points for it, but the clerk doesn't give him the points.

“Why?”

“The ticket is in the name of B. Bryson and the card is in the name of W. Bryson.”

She reasoned that the names on the card and the plane ticket were different.

I explained to her the close and venerable relationship between Bill and William, but she wouldn’t have it.

• Venerable: respectable

The writer attempted to explain that they were both one person, but she rejected his argument.

So I didn’t get my air miles, and I won’t be flying to Bali first class just yet. Perhaps just as well, really. I could never go that long without eating.

He did not receive the air miles and would not travel to Bali for free. He takes it positively and feels good because he would not have been able to survive such a long flight without eating.

About the Author

Bill Bryson (born December 8, 1951 in Des Moines, Iowa) is a best-selling American nonfiction author who has written a number of travel and academic books. His travel books have a lighthearted tone, such as his first, Notes from a Small Island, about his 20 years in Britain. His non-travel writing focuses on science and the English language. For his literary achievements, he received an honorary OBE (Order of the British Empire).